PurpAnd

I’ve long prided myself as someone who can see the brighter side of things… I’ve thought of myself as a generally happy person. And I have good reason to - I’m safe, healthy, loved - but lately it seems all that hasn’t been enough.

Part of me would like to publish a list of things that have happened to me in 2009 that I would never like to experience again. The opposite part of me knows of a happier list of things that have been tremendous. But I feel less connection with those happy things and more enveloped by the unhappy ones. Examples…

I broke my leg two weeks ago. I waited through the weekend so that I can follow the health insurance rules and see my primary care physician. After being referred to an orthopedics specialist, I was provided with an immobilizing leg brace apparently from an outside-the-network provider. So, I received a letter in the mail yesterday from my health insurance stating the brace won’t be covered. The letter actually says, “the service requested is being denied because there is lack of medical necessity.” It later says, “you do not meet the established guidelines for the service at this time.” Nice. So I guess a broken leg does not represent medical necessity. I wonder what does? If I were to have had a severed limb repaired by the Emergency Room would the insurance company have jumped on me for not seeing my primary care physician first?

Example 2 - Tiger Woods. Come on, man. How many people do you think he has disappointed? Other than his immediate family, whom I have sympathy for, he probably lost 100 million fans in the span of two weeks. I don’t mean fans in the sense of his golf game (I still enjoy his golf talent), but fans of him as a person. What an image he has been able to maintain for the past… well, nearly his entire life. Imagine the effort he has had to expend to be so likable. I am sure he will eventually be forgiven by many, but I know someone who is devastated by this series of events.

I had lunch with my dad yesterday and he admitted that he has in fact become jaded. I haven’t known my dad to be jaded about anything in his life, so to me that is saying something. Tiger Woods has been golf’s version of The One since he hit mainstream 15 or so years ago. He has been my generation’s Jack Nicklaus. And for those who watched Jack play for years and years, they know/knew in Tiger there was someone that likely will not be seen for generations to come. This, I fear, is an image Tiger may never have again. We’ll just have to see how his golf game is affected, how long he stays away, where he plays, etc. I believe Tiger is doing the right thing focusing on his family and staying private. This needs to be his biggest concern… once that is settled, he can again focus on less important things like golf and endorsements.

Example 3. Relationships and break-ups are hard. I have not written much about my split from T on here for two reasons: I still care for her as a person and as a result want to protect her privacy, and I have readers who know both of us. So, I try not to generate too much one-sidedness by writing about our divorce on here. The more I think about this break-up though, and it’s been nearly six months since she moved out, the more sour I become on relationships in general. I recently read something by someone who had been married for three months in his early 20s, got divorced, and vowed never to marry again. He’s now 38 and still single. I don’t want to be that guy, but I understand the appeal. After living as a single person for the past six months I appreciate the freedom, but I haven’t gotten over the loneliness. I’ve been busy, which is good since it serves as a distraction, but as I asked my coworker earlier today, “what do I do when there are no more distractions?” I don’t want to endure something like this again so why put myself into the position where I could.

In a time when most people are celebrating with their friends and family, I find myself increasingly focused on the negative whereas the old me would have no trouble pushing aside the bad. I miss that part of me and need to work hard to keep from sliding into this tarpit of cynicism.

I help coordinate a football game every Thanksgiving holiday. We’ve played each year for the past 16 years or so (I’m not really sure when the tradition started), and we’ve typically had good turn outs - 12 - 18 players. One year we even had over 30 players and had to have two games simultaneously.

This year was a banner year. We had 16 guys show up for the game on Saturday following Thanksgiving. As we’ve gotten older, the games have become more serious - people wearing cleats, skin tight clothes, mouth guards, etc. And the offensive and defensive schemes have become pretty sophisticated with actual plays being called instead of ‘just get open.’ We’ve had full playbooks and we play will full offensive and defensive lines, when the number of players permits. With a total of 16 players, some coming and going at different times, we had at least 7 on 7 most of the day. I had hoped for 15 or so and it worked out great.

The weather was sunny, but extremely windy, and it was not warm. Once we picked teams, we made our way to the field and play began with the opposing team starting with the ball on the 20 yard line (we elected not to have kickoffs because of the wind). They struggled on their first possession and we intercepted the ball after a few plays.

Over the following 2 hours+, we traded scores and I was having the game of my life: two receptions for touchdowns, two rushing TDs, and an interception. Then… it happened. On a running play to me up the middle, i zigzagged my way through the line and was tackled at the knees by one of their cornerbacks. (Ha ha, if only this were true). See, we no longer play tackle because we’re old and we want to avoid injury. The reality in this case is that on my team’s very first play of the day, I took myself out of the game when I planted my feet then tried to shift directions. POP… Down I went… under my own weight.

I knew immediately it was not good. I clutched my left knee and tried to stand, but learned quickly that standing was not possible. I was carried off the field and given ice and advil. For the next three hours I watched the swelling grow above my knee as the guys played out a close one. Afterward we went to get pizza and beer, as we’ve done now for several years (I insisted that I tag along because I at least wanted to participate in something). I struggled through the uncomfortableness of the injured knee, hopping to the bathroom, and making friends grab food for me.

I spoke with my doctor-friends and they suggested I keep the leg elevated, use ice frequently, and just take it easy. So that’s what I did Saturday night and Sunday. Then on Monday, when not much had changed, I went to see the doctor. Xray says… avulsion fracture of the tibial spine. I guess I broke a small piece of bone at the top of the tibia that helps guide ligaments into/through the knee joint. I was given an immobilizing leg brace (see example below) and crutches, both of which I get to use until early January. Score!

The unfortunate thing is that I may have also damaged my ACL and/or one of the menisci in my knee. I won’t know until my MRI this Friday. Over the past week I have been learning how to use crutches, been sleeping, working, sitting with a straight leg, and working on my flexibility so I can eventually put on my own sock. I am not in a whole lotta pain, but I am reminded occasionally that there is damage when my knee feels like sending my brain some pulsing pain messages. I’m able to sit at a desk with my leg propped up on a box. I am able to drive, thanks to my dad who traded me his automatic for my manual transmission. I am able to get around with the help of these damn crutches (ya, we’re best friends), which brings me to the headline of this post… anyone know where I can sign up for crutch racing? I’m not talking Special Olympics cuz I would get my ass kicked, but something more along the lines of an underground gambling society where people bet on crazy events. I figure by the end of my six weeks I’ll be pretty quick on these pegs and I’ll be looking to make a few bucks.

Anyway, that’s the latest from here.

If you’ve checked in on my Twitter feed you’re aware that I have moved recently from San Francisco to Sacramento. And you may have inferred from my twitter activity, and from my use of I instead of We, that T and I are no longer together.

I don’t want to get into why this happened, but I can give you the scoop on what has been happening the past three months… T moved out in June in favor of her own place in San Francisco. She was lucky to find a nice in-law type unit in a good San Francisco neighborhood, while I was lucky to find a roommate to share the rent. The change has been difficult, but it was not unexpected. Things had not been so great in the relationship for a while and we both came to the conclusion that it was better to end it now rather than continue to build a life together that was not the best for us.

After the separation, I struggled to decide whether or not I wanted to stay in San Francisco. I created a bunch of pro and con lists and each time Sacramento came out as the best choice. So as of last Wednesday, I am a Sacramentan, again. For those who don’t know, T and I met at UC Davis and lived in Sacramento for three years prior to our move to San Francisco. It feels more like home to me here, and now that I’ve actually finished the move (ugh, I hate moving), I know it was the right choice.

I have slowly been piecing together the holes in my life and normalcy is returning. Being in Sacramento close to friends and family has helped tremendously. I have played golf twice in 10 days, something I never did while living in San Francisco. I’m living downtown and can walk to work in under 15 minutes. I found a spot two blocks from one of the main thoroughfares so there are plenty of eateries around and I am only six blocks from a major grocery store. I was lucky to find the place and I thank Erin and Brendan for their recommendation.

Although I know that Sacramento is the best place for me right now, I still miss San Francisco. I miss the smell in the morning, I miss the people in my old office, and I just generally miss the old life I had. It’s ok though because I am growing from this experience, just as I had grown from living in San Francisco, and eventually things will be all right in my world.

Over the past couple weeks I have been writing about the things that I value most. To recap, these were Financial Security, Personal Growth, Trust, Integrity, and Family/Friends.

Throughout my writings I discussed experiences I had that exemplified whichever value I was featuring in the post. I need to mention that although I value these five things, I do not claim to have mastered them. I am not perfect, I do make mistakes, and I sometimes do things that kick my core values in the face.

I’ve shared my top 5 values as a reminder to myself what is important. Perhaps you used what I wrote as the basis to think about your own values and if you did that’s great. I believe that once my values are engrained, I can make decisions and live life with those values in mind, while recognizing there will be setbacks.

I hope you did not read what I wrote and think I was sitting on some high horse. And I hope you can understand that even though I have selected some ideals, it is not hypocritical for me to falter on occasion. I see things about myself that I want to improve… ways to become a better person, and I think that means learning along the way. I am simply an ordinary person who wants to do his share of extraordinary things.

It’s no surprise to me that when I ranked my list of core values (what is most important to me), Family/Friends came out on top. I have great friends and a wonderful family and I feel that I am at my best when I am around them. There’s an unconditional love that exists which allows those close to me to tell me when I’ve screwed up, but it also allows them to guide me when I need direction, and to support me when I’ve stumbled. My uncle once said, “there are just some things that you do for family.” In my family that is very true. We are, as a group, very supportive and generous. We try our best to be there for one another and I’m lucky because not all families are like this.

My family comprises some of the most compassionate people I know and they will be the first ones to remind you that we’re all human and that failure is natural and forgiveness can be powerful. They’ll try their hardest to make you laugh and go to no end to earn a smile. They don’t care if I work a high-powered job, drive a fancy car, or live in a big home, they only care that I do what is right for me and that I am happy. You don’t find that kind of support everywhere so of course I would want to cultivate it and that is why it’s my number one value.

My friends have a knack for knowing what I am thinking/feeling, sometimes even before I know. This makes it easy when it comes to something I need from them because I have such a hard time asking for it. A few weeks ago a bunch of them came to San Francisco for a guys weekend, which was greatly needed. It was a surprise and lots of fun and we just got to be San Francisco tourists for a couple days. My friends are the kind of people who would travel 2,500 miles for a 36 hour visit. They’re the kind of people who would stock their fridge with grape soda cuz they know I love it. They are the kind of people who would say yes to something just because they could see in your eyes that you needed it desparately.

As life continues to nudge me in different directions, it’s my family and friends that remain most constant. I know that they’ll be there when I want to celebrate and when I need to escape. If home is where the heart is, then home is in the company of my family and friends.